The Hidden Water Contamination Scandal – Fiona McBride

Scientists have discovered that over 90% of the world’s water supplies are contaminated by a deadly chemical known as dihydrogen monoxide. It is estimated that every human on earth has come into contact with some of this deadly substance during their lifetime – every minute, a newborn baby dies as a direct result of dihydrogen monoxide!

This chemical is a sneaky killer: large quantities of it cause suffocation, while smaller amounts lead to poisoning. Low levels of it have been found inside the corpses of those who starved – it is thought that dihydrogen monoxide may reduce some people’s ability to take nutrition from food. The substance is also a very common occurrence in all types of tumours, and is almost always found in the brains of stroke patients and the blood of those who have suffered from heart attacks.

And, to make matters even worse, dihydrogen monoxide is absolutely everywhere. It’s present in the atmosphere in such high levels that it falls to earth with the rain, it’s in the stuff that flows out of your taps, it’s almost certainly in the coffee you drank this morning. Even if we could avoid all of the ways in which it contaminates the liquid water we use every day, it’s still unavoidable: dihydrogen monoxide makes up around 4% of the air we breathe. That might not sound like a lot, but it adds up to three million litres of the chemical entering your lungs every year. No wonder it’s found in almost all corpses.

But, fear not, the very same scientists who discovered dihydrogen monoxide and revealed just how widespread it is are working on a cure for its effects! It turns out that a processed form of the deadly chemical – known as dehydrated dihydrogen monoxide – can reverse some of the issues caused. For example, if someone is at risk of suffocating as a result of dihydrogen monoxide, the very presence of the dehydrated form will reduce the amount of the dangerous chemical to the point that the person is no longer at risk. However, this solution is not yet perfect: although dehydrated dihydrogen monoxide can greatly reduce the amount of dihydrogen monoxide present in the body, it can also have some nasty side effects. These include weakness, dizziness and headaches, heart palpitations, fainting, and, in the case of overdose, death. A way to safely reduce these symptoms is currently the focus of significant research.

A bigger question, though, and perhaps the key to solving our dihydrogen monoxide related issues once and for all, is where does it come from? The answer: scientists aren’t sure yet. Some chemical reactions such as those used to make plastics produce it, however dihydrogen monoxide has been present on earth for centuries, and we don’t make nearly enough plastic for it to be as widespread as it is. And that definitely doesn’t account for the evidence of dihydrogen monoxide found on the moon! There is a theory that it could have arrived on earth during an alien landing, however we haven’t met any aliens yet so that theory remains unconfirmed.

For the moment, though, until we discover the source of the dihydrogen monoxide on earth and develop a reliable sure for its effects, perhaps the best way to stay safe is to avoid water wherever possible. You never know if it’s going to be contaminated!

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Happy 1st April! Dihydrogen monoxide is actually the longhand name for the chemical formula H2O – the scientific name for water.

The first three paragraphs of this article are pretty much true. For instance, every minute a newborn baby does die due to lack of access to clean water. Paragraph five is also fairly accurate; if humanity ever does make contact with aliens, presence of water on their home planet is probably pretty high on the list of topics to discuss.

Paragraph four is a little less true. “dehydrated” literally means “water has been removed”, so dehydrated dihydrogen monoxide does not exist! However, if it did, then it probably would react with water to make it disappear as is described here. The side effects described for dehydrated dihydrogen monoxide are actually symptoms of dehydration; this is what would happen if a proportion of the water in your body disappeared.

**DISCLAIMER: This was an article written for April Fool’s Day, 2018. The above article was intended for entertainment purposes only and may include completely fabricated facts.**